Christmas Morning With An 8 Month Old Baby

All I want for Christmas is an empty cardboard fruit box!

It’s 4.15am on our first Christmas with Joshi and I’m wide awake. And so is he. He woke coz he needed the potty and then after I’d taken him he was far too wide awake to go back to sleep. (This is very rare by the way – he usually goes back to sleep within five to ten minutes of a night wake).

Well, I thought “there’s no point in resisting this,” so I got up, put him in the ergo baby carrier, lit a candle, made myself a cup of roibos tea, tidied up the kitchen and then stood out on the balcony under the stars. There we stood, listening to the sounds of the night – the breeze moving though the chimes, the rustling of the leaves in the trees and the songs of a few early Aussie birds. It really dawned on me in those moments – just how beautiful and enriching being with nature is. I mean really being with nature. Soaking in it. With no distractions. Everything was so delicately serene and still.

Anyway, an hour later, Joshi fed and fell asleep. Hmmmm, awake and alone at 5.15am on Christmas Day – what do I do now? I think it could be time to meditate. And, feeling especially grateful for my wonderful family and friends, I’m dedicating this meditation to all the people out there who don’t have anyone to share Christmas with.

So Merry Christmas everyone. May your day be filled with love that cracks your heart right open, contentment which feels like you’re being cradled in the loving arms of the divine and gratitude which has your throat tighten. With the risk of sounding sentimental – no matter what challenges life hands us there’s still so, so much to be grateful for.

Have You Ever Meditated With A Fly On Your Nose?

Fly On Nose Meditation

It was such a beautiful day I decided to take Joshi for a beach walk. The waves were wild. It was stunning. So I wrapped him in the ergo baby carrier and walked with my feet in the water. Simply divine. It’s these sort of moments which make mammahood feel super, extra, uber special … walking down the beach with my baby asleep on my chest while so many other people are hard at work.

Anyway, as is one of the many benefits of baby wearing, within a matter of minutes Joshi was fast asleep.  “Great!” I thought, “I can meditate!” So I found a lovely spot among the rocks at the end of the beach and sat, closed my eyes and started my practice of sahaj samadhi meditation.  It was so special meditating there – the fresh air, the sound of the ocean. What more could you want? And then. Well then this fly came along and decided to take up residence on my nose.

I once heard this great definition of meditation: “Meditation is your ability to be with what is.” Well then here’s my opportunity to remain equanimous with this fly tiptoeing across my nose! I took my awareness to the fly (how could I not!) and I kept my awareness there. I wasn’t going to allow myself shoo it away. I was going to be with him/her, come what may. Oh I can’t tell you how ticklish it was. If I wasn’t meditating I’d have shooed it away and scratched my nose for sure!  But I’m very pleased to say I didn’t.  I managed to observe the oh-so-ticklish ticklishness creeping across my skin beneath the footprints of those spindly little legs without scratching my nose or getting irritable.   Oooo ooo ooo, those tiny little fly feet sure can tickle.

It’s A Big Day For This Mamma: Going Back To Work!

I’m wondering what it’s going to be like – leaving this bundle of cuteness for an entire day

This is one of the strangest days for me … going back to work.  It’s just for one full, single, stand alone day, but it’s my first full day away from my 8 month old baby.   Ahhhh!  Sure, I’ve been away from Joshua every Wednesday night when I go for long kriya, and also for many Saturdays when I’ve popped out for a massage, but that’s been for 2 hours max, so the thought of being away from 9am to 6pm feels really weird.

Yesterday I had a sore tummy all day, a really sore tummy.  I can’t remember the last time my tummy hurt like that.  It just doesn’t happen.  I don’t know if it was from something I ate or if it was just nerves, but I’m so glad it’s gone. In the evening Simon made me a hot water bottle and I drank camomile tea, licorice tea and a bit of apple cider vinegar in water (all good for sore tummies).  It helped, a bit, but I finally decided there was only thing for it – sleep. And it worked.

So today Simon’s taken the day off work to look after Joshi while I go into the city to run a Stress Management stand at a big corporate event.  As I’m writing this I’m sitting on the bus heading into the city.  I can confidently say I’ve done all I can (I think! I hope!) to make sure Joshi has enough boobie milk for the day.  I’ve been expressing for the past week, just a bit every day, about 50mls or so.  So there’s about 350mls of boobie milk in the fridge right now.  (What a mission all that expressing is. I’m glad I don’t have to do it regularly – boiling all those boobie pump bits to make sure they’re sterilized. Actually, now that I’m well practiced at it, it’s not so bad).  Ok, I admit, I’m a bit anxious that there won’t be enough milk, because really, as a breastfed baby, I don’t know exactly much milk he actually consumes in one day. And he’s not yet taking in many solids.  Also, how much milk he has daily depends on what’s going on – like if he’s teething he tends to feed more frequently.  Well, I’m on my to work now, there’s no more expressing I can do.

8 hours later …

Wow. That took me by surprise. As I was nearing the city I actually started feeling excited about the day.  At the same time, it also felt quite strange – walking down the street like that, all dressed up in my work clothes rather than my usual milky, spewy, mucky covered mamma casuals.  It was weird standing alone at the traffic light, no baby wrapped against my chest.  But still – I was excited.  The day went so well.  I enjoyed speaking with all the people who came for a session. And despite the sleep deprivation that I live with, I felt really centred and full of energy. What made all the difference too was Simon sending through these really cute pictures of all the boys things they were getting up to.  So thoughtful. I could see they were doing just fine and I didn’t get any ‘oh no, we’re short of milk!’messages. Phew.

Although I’d had a great day, at 5pm I left that building in a flash. I was so excited to go home to see my boys. (And my new Dolly Parton boobies were really looking forward to it too! I didn’t express anytime during the day and by now they were ridiculously full).  When I got to the bus stop my bus was just pulling in and I was home in 20 minutes. As I rounded the corner into the living room Simon as standing there, holding Joshi in his arms. He gave me that little shy look and caste a little smile my way and then reached his arms out to me as I stepped closer. And then it happened. As I cradled him in my arms I entered this incredible bubble. How Joshi was being when I held him in my arms was nothing less than divine. His eyes so big and wide, emanating such wonderment and love as he gazed up at me. I just melted. And a few tears fell from my eyes onto his little body. It was almost worth going away for a whole day just to soak that intensely in those sweet moments of pure, unconditional love.  Ahhhh, mammahood.   It sure feels super extra special today.

***

PS. Had to chuck out 100mls of boobie milk. (Rather that than being short though, hey!).

PSS. I feel much more confident now about leaving Joshi for more than 2 hours. I must say – it’s quite liberating, knowing I can do it if I need to.

PSSS. It’s got me wondering … what’s it like for those mammas who go back to work full-time and have to leave their babies with strangers?

Mammahood: A Lesson In Surrendering

The slumber party’s at our place

Last Sunday we were planning on attending a Christmas tea party down at a really beautiful dam near our home.  It had been in my diary for weeks:  10am,  Sunday 2nd December. I really wanted us to go.  I love being in nature and I’m especially fond of this particular spot because it’s the dam is just gorgeous to swim in.  Plus there’d be some really cool people for us to hang out with, including a few little ones Joshi’s age.  Of course for Joshi’s age group that means ‘I’ve got someone my size whose hair I can pull and who can pull mine … and we can stick our fingers in each others eyes, crawl all over each other and eat as much grass and leaves as we can together. Yum.’

Anyway, leading up to the tea party, Saturday night was a particularly restless night.  There’d been lots of waking – either because we were being eaten alive by mozzies (especially Joshi with his sweet blood, who ended up with 16 bites) or one of us was in need of rehydrating (it had been 38 degrees that day) or to take him to the potty for one of his usual massive night wees.

At 8am on Sunday morning, despite my body’s desire for rest, I got up and cooked.  ‘How mad am I?’ I thought, but look, I was committed to getting us to the dam – come what may!  I can do this.  I can.  I made Amaranth porridge for breakfast, roast pumpkin and kitchery for lunch and sliced up some oranges for snacks.  Between you and me, (reading this next line in a hushed whisper):  I was feeling like a bit of a supermamma.  I packed the picnic bag – food, drinking water, swimming cossies and towels, spare nappy liners, and then showered and dressed  us. Everything was moving forward, and although we were running a little bit late, it still looked like we’d  make it.  By 10am we were almost ready to go.  Oh.  And then.  It suddenly swept over me.  This really. strong. wave. of mammahood fatigue.  And so, I confess, I made a rather smart decision for someone who’s sleep deprived.   Rather than rushing out the door, I decided to first do sudarshan kriya and meditate.  Coz lets face it, when you’re that tired you ain’t got no spare prana to spend on talking.

It felt like such a wholesome decision for that moment.  An hour later I felt super new, totally refreshed, sweetly rejuvenated.  For me, there’s really nothing as effective as kriya and meditation to lift me out of the slumps of mammahood sleep deprivation  and clear that foggy head.  And now, finally, we were truly ready to go!  Yay!  Only thing was, – Joshi was faaaaaast asleep.  So what to do?   D we go anyway and potentially wake a sleeping baby? Well, sometimes I do put a sleeping Joshi in the car and drive to wherever I’m going and he just keeps sleeping.  It can work really well, especially if the destination is a quiet place, but we were headed for a Christmas tea party with lots of spirited little kids.  And if Joshie wakes? – Well, we could have one very tired and grumpy baby on our hands.

Anyway, about 15 minutes later Joshie wakes.  Terrific!  Now we can go!   But hang on, Joshi’s hungry.  Ok, I’ll feed him and then we can go.  Towards the end of his feed, Joshi falls fast asleep in my arms.  He’s gone.  And so is the time – even if we leave now, we’ll reach the dam an hour and a half late.

And this is where it finally happens – that sweet moment of surrender that so deliciously arrives with a very small but significant realisation – I am exactly where I need to be right now.  Right here.  On this couch. At home.  With my sleeping baby.   And then every part of me just lets go.  Ahhhhhhhhhhh.   Afterall, there’ll be another Christmas tea party next year.   For now, there’s a slumber party – at our place.